Musings on Self Image

So loves, I’ve been struggling this last week with how I define myself… In the last week, I found myself faced with a bigger financial choice and while I loved the dialog that sprang from the choice with my darling husband, I itched to have “my own” income that I could better contribute and perhaps campaign the financial choice better? I have no idea, but it was intensely vulnerable! Not only did I not have a direct income flow to contribute, the financial choice was a big SELF-IMAGE change for me.

I’d like to introduce you to Molly.


Molly came as an answer to some amazing prayers. Many people know that last year we decided to move forward with some specialized eye therapy for one of our kiddos and that changed our budget pretty significantly. It’s been the BEST choice ever. I love watching Miss D become so confident and happy with increased visual awareness. We took that leap of faith and didn’t know exactly how it would all work out. Our truck was breaking significantly and my suburban, Betty, literally lost a quart of oil every 1000 miles for the last year and random electrical issues that lit up the parking light, the ABS light, the service engine soon, etc… It was a bit like a pebble in my shoe. At first, it was totally OK, but as time wore on it began to increase my stress levels about driving everyday with my kiddos….. In perfect timing, a beautiful MINIVAN fell in our lap.

Not without drama from me of course. Not only did I have big budget concerns – I had *self-image* concerns! My inner monologue likely sounded something like this “gee Macy, how uncool could you get? You just got told you need glasses, you spent all your 20s having babies and now you covet a minivan? You have sold out and lost your sense of adventure…. Shut up self, I’m a bad-ass taxi service that is practical, smart and happen to love my life as a taxi-service to my awesome kids. I can be cool and drive a minivan right? Right. Maybe. Errr, well, maybe cool to other moms? Maybe if I just drive it at night. With glasses. I need glasses to drive now. I need glasses to drive my minivan now. I give up. I’m taking up day drinking wine from a freaking capri-sun looking pouch and staying uncool forever.”

Seriously.

So here I am. 30, uncool and ridiculously happy about my new-to-me Molly. But I’m not ditchin Betty if I can help me. She’s the best and see that? That is a special spot in my parking area just for her. As I was willing to dive in to the “why would be car make me uncool” internal debate, I realized that self-reliance and my ABILITY to do so much is a huge “me” factor. I define myself on being capable. More than just capable, but powerful and able. I love my ability to tow a trailer, load thousands of pounds of compost on a whim onto my mom-car (Betty) and unload it with the same enthusiasm.

I hope to keep both, for very different reasons, and because I think I can do both – be capable and fully in mom-mode-taxi-service all at once.

While I’m on this uncool-glasses-and-minivan-drama, can I just say that I’ve given up on shoes? I’ve decided that the moms that look perfectly pressed and put together are magical. THESE shoes are so comfy and really, I am just going to accept that I live in them. I love them. Really really LOVE them. I’m considering them in another color. But I also own these in pink canvas. You can most reliably find me like this –

Simple cotton skirt from a thrift store that someone discarded and my Keens.

But as my one kiddo pointed out, “Mommy, I love that we match” – and by match, he meant he loved his Keen sandals too and thought it was really cool that literally every person in my home had the same brand of shoes…. I guess I found my fan club and who thinks I’m cool for now, huh?

Yep, I’m still cool indeed folks! In my minivan. With glasses. With 6 kids. And ya know what? I’m happy about all of this. I’m capable. I’m practical. I’m still me, just a different version than my younger self envisioned! Pretty nifty indeed.

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